Beer is really nice. No amount of anti-drink-driving campaigns, revolting street vomiting incidents and never-again mornings can change my mind on this. It's really, really great.
But afternoons in the pub turn swiftly into evenings, and after a couple of hours on the sauce, thoughts turn to food. "Ohmygod I really fancy a …" But what? What is that je ne sais quoi that defines the great beer snack? Well I sais quoi and I'm going to tell you.
This last week was the Great British Beer Festival at Earl's Court, an annual special-interest jamboree for people who like to wear massive beards, ridiculous hats and beer all down their fronts. There's a party atmosphere. Drop a glass, and the entire several-acres venue will cheer loudly at your folly. That's real ale folk for you.
So, what to eat? Let's call this the 5 "-als". Or DDD's Great Patented Booze Food System. Just a thought.Brutal
By the hunger stage, the senses are 70% dead. You're not plastered, you're laminated, and there's very little getting through. That's why you have to shout, see? That's why, if you fall over, it only hurts the next day, when you discover the bruises. That's why you can't see how shit you look.
So food - it has to be really frickin obvious. If the flavour's not OTT, it tastes like ashes.
Lots and lots of salt. Chilli. Smoked. Meat. What the antic egg himself Gregg Wallace (how unfortunate he has that extra 'g') would call 'BIG flavours'. The thick pasting of powder on McCoy's crinkle-cut chips. Pungent garlic, chilli sauce, meat - KEBAB.
Medicinal
If you've been on the lash for several hours, there are several important substances that you've lost along the way.
One: salt. You put this in sweat (where else would you put it?), and squeeze it through your skin. Dirty things. Better put some back, then.
And you may be drinking tonnes of sugar in the form of alcohol, but that's no earthly use to you and your energy is flagging.
You may want some refined sugar too. Haribo, anyone?
Left: bratwurst. Right: DDD's thumb.
Substantial
If you're in the throes of a self-poisoning incident, you'll need to soak up some of the bad stuff. Bread is good. Bigger is better. If you're eating something small and picky (peanuts, crisps) you'll want loads of them.
In general, massive quantities small nibbly bits may be a better way to go. After all, your companion is clearly fascinated by the point you've been making volubly for the last hour, so you wouldn't want to have to break off to munch.
Comfortable
You don'wanna be trying any new things at this stage. That fugu stand round the corner is dead to you. Screw chilled cucumber soup, and foie gras. If they could package up your childhood, daytime tv and blankets and put it in a bap, you'd be all over it.
This can be a brand - Walkers, Mars, Pepperami. Or classic comfort food. Sausages. Pie.
Cholesterol
I don't know why, but it has to be fatty. It just does.
Below: Pork scratching, the king of booze food
In practice
The British beer festival stalls understand their market. They know the system. Pork scratchings (System score: 4/5). Massive bratwurst hotdogs (5/5 - full house!). Pie (4). Fish and chips (4, though a 5 with vinegar). Cornish pasties (4).It works. I can personally attest that the scratchings and bratwust were TOP NOTCH. Or, as I so pithily observed at the time, "Ohmygod this hotdog is amaaaaazing - seriously, i's amaaaaaaaazing - noreally, try some - go on - isn'it delISHious? It's fantaaaaaaastic."
Volume 9 of The Table Talk of DDD is still with the publisher …
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