You want rice with that? Tesco paella sandwich

Oh god oh god oh god. Tesco. Paella sandwich. A bright little sticker proudly proclaims 'As created by the Daily Mirror'. The things I do for this blog …

'Prawn, chicken & chorizo on sun dried tomato bread'. Let's ignore the fact (although to be honest, I CAN'T) that my what-I-like-to-think-of-as authentic paella recipe contains NONE of these ingredients - or rather, there may be chicken but that's only because rabbit is hard to come by in NW1. This, though it is packaged in a box with the Spanish flag on it, is not paella. If the Spanish felt like another boating trip, 1588 could be revived over this snack. And if anyone could start another war, it'd be Daily Mirror readers.

Now just supposing I got off my lofty steed for a moment and looked at this as a 'paella' sandwich, rather than a paella sandwich - even then, even considering, even with the best will in the world, even British paella doesn't have sun-dried arseing tomatoes in it!

But I relent (wiping the flecks of righteous indignation from my chops): prawn, chicken, chorizo and that turn-of-the-millennium throwback the sun-dried tomato might a good sandwich make. Better than the more authentic snails and butterbeans, anyway. Just chuck everything in the "Mediterranean" aisle into some kind of bread and you can't go too far wrong. But - ha ha! - imagine if they included the rice too! HA HA HA!

They included the rice too. Chip sandwich I have heard of (and don't expect me to use the word butty, my family's from Kent). Tortilla in bread. Even Japanese yakisoba-pan, where noodles and sauce are crammed into a hotdog roll. But RICE in bread? The world has gone mad.

But there's a studenty aspect to this kind of thing that can make up for what can seem like a car-crash of an idea. Most of us didn't eat buttered crumpets and plover's eggs. We ate weird shit like this. So I'm prepared to give it a go, if only to try to recapture my fast-receding youth …

It's no go, I'm afraid. This sandwich smells of tinned tomato soup. And - oh boy - it tastes like it. The chorizo comes through (whose flavour could survive a nuclear bomb) but little else. The pale and sensitive proteins of prawn and chicken are mugged into silence by a whole load of ketchupy tomato goo. And then there are the dry little particles of rice. It's all too much. Too salty, too vinegary, too sweet. Too damn stupid.

Pros: No snails. Bright little sticker. Pleasure of righteous indignation. 

Cons: Ketchup. Country going to the dogs. Another Armada.

More? DDD dances with African royalty and spots Amy Winehouse in a compromising state at Shaka Zulu; reviews weird Japanese sweets; tells you what turkey eggs taste like; and takes sneaky pics inside brunch mecca The Wolseley.

Comments

[Nick]

Do bits of rice fall everywhere when you try and eat it?

[Debbie]

No not really, because there's so much tomato-esque gunk in there.

If anyone sees the lasagne sandwich, get me one! There's no limit to my gross-out capacity …

[saamFG]

Presumably you'll be trying the lasagna sandwich next (the "lasandwich" if you must) or is that now passé?

[Debbie]

I really want to try it but can't find it in any of the Tescos I've passed. I will continue the quest, tireless in my pursuit of lasandwichery …

[Su-Lin]

Oh god, that looks amazingly vile. Who's behind this atrocity? Who are the brains in the Tesco sandwich R&D dept? I just might email this to my Valencian father in law... :D

[Supra Skytop]

DON'T PRETEND YOU ARE SORRY....I KONW YOU ARE NOT....HAHAHA....

[peter]

hey, brits, with all due respect ... you should really learn to eat.

first of all, you never ever want to make a sandwich with rice. when eating paella, you don't even want bread on the table at all! for fucks sake!

besides, none of the several hundredths of paella styles would have ever chorizo in it. the guy that came up with this is a complete idiot.

besides, just from the pics you can clearly tell that this is the lowest quality of chorizo you can possibly find, not worth eating with bread, maybe not even worth to spice up a humble stew (but if you're desperate be my guest). you guys got your tongues cut or what?

besides, there's no such thing as "sun dried bread". unless you believe in unicorns too. no, not even with tomato. if you want "pà amb tomàquet" i'll praise your good taste, but then simply get yourself regular *toasted" white bread and rub a *fresh* tomato on it, plus a shot of olive oil. period. that's it. that you can indeed cover with some fine quality chorizo for great joy. but holy fuck this has *nothing* to do with paella!!!

stop eating this shit. this will make you sick, apart from making you look like complete helpless idiots.